today i got my first pair of Christian Louboutins they are espadrilles!!!! inspired by all the 60's era french films i have been watching..... i think i was born in the wrong era. i want a phone that hooks into the wall. i want cigarettes to not be gross and bad for you (still quitting, if it happens after 9 it doesn't count right?). i want to dress up everyday and not look like a freak who is trying to hard. i just dont like pants. lauren and i spent a whole summer without pants. one of the greatest summers ever 2003 no pants romance. we fell in love that summer.

i feel like i dont know where my life is anymore. my closest friends live 3,000 or more miles away. along with my family or what is left of it. i find myself missing things that do not exist anymore, but i can see them so clearly in my mind. i remember sunday nights as a kid. sitting on my brothers bed. the bruce lee poster on the wall. the crappy tv with 2 channels. watching pee wee's playhouse. the door is open and you can hear 60 minns airing in the other room. the corner of my fathers chair peeking out, with a glass bottle of pepsi free sitting on the floor. my brothers window is proped open with a huge box fan blowing out the hot air. the sheets are charlie brown and need to be changed. i can feel sand grains irritating my legs where my shorts end (gross ben!). that smell of our house mixed with summer mixed with tan skin and sweat. i can smell it now, but we can never go back there. the four of us will never be in that house again. my dad will only return to michigan to be put in the ground. my brother lives on the opposite coast. my mom lives in the house that holds so many happy and 
tragic memories that i cant stay there without feeling like i need to be medicated HEAVILY.
the friends that i hold so dearly are sprinkled all over the country, or grown up homeowners in the D.
i hate the phrase its so cliche
but
you cant go home again
i think bon jovi used that in a song, that makes me wanna throw up

i have always had a photographic memory.
when i was a kid i would to play the game remember this. like almost taking a picture with your mind. i would whisper remember this, and then take a picture. i wasted it on some dumb things. i still have a image of part of the glove box and dash board of my parents Lincoln. we were on plymoth road by the ford plant and wonderland mall. when the terrace was still the terrace. now it is a lot for a dealership? i will have to swing by sometime.
i have not played remember this in a long time. i need to find something here that gives me that feeling. the remember this feeling. the only thing that comes close is dancing, but not close enough.