Peace muthas

they just paged someone called Enner Van Ennerson.


This is my attempt to blend with the Icelandic crew while waiting to board. I call it boushy-chic
Jesus my flying pills are kicking in.

So I will write freely.
Do you ever wonder if they video tape the people that see the body scans? I mean I know they cant see your face and the image is destroyed, but like they are totally alone in there. I wonder if someone has jerked off while on the job.


Before I checked in I smoked a pre flight cig. It started to rain and this man walked by and made a comment about it, and I said " you'll get used to it". He kinda scoffed because I think he only heard "get used to it". So I walked away and didn't get to enjoy it!


Today I was thinking about when you graduate high school and they say "today is the first day of the rest of your life"
I kind of feel like that today. Like I really .............. sorry the pills
Everyone keeps saying your so strong. I think it takes strength to stay in the same place. It has always been easy for me to go with instinct. In the end the best gift you can give someone you love it your own happiness. You can not make anyone happy if you can not feel it yourself.

It is really weird to see ladies that are totally old and have obviously fake tits. I mean good for you.

I really wish I had never gave away my copy of the razors edge. I really feel like post war Larry. Going on in search of some transcendent meaning of life.
So far I think it just means right now

BEBE

Sad this might be the last morning I wake up to bebe brie. Think she knows..... she was licking my nose all morning. what a sweet lil snow bear. I will be giving her so many kisses today



look at her when she was a baby!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa. ha

In case there is any part of you that is curious about what is happening on the other side of my bed well.......







its my main man of 10 years.

Balling!

shoot, I feel like I should have wrote this book

when life gives you lemons

It is probably because of a choice you made..... even cancer really when you think about it.

I really do love lists. This one just might be sad but true. Especially in my current situation
HERE

So big one for me. This friday I will traveling abroad alone... Here is my list of things to do.
- Wander...... and wander some more
- Learn how to eat alone at a resturant, like I will have a choice
- Buy a nice pair of shoes
- Think about myself
- Write and Write more
- Read
- Celebrate "il dolce far niente" or the sweetness of doing nothing
- Listen to myself
- Leave it all behind

Been reading so much about Saturn Return. These past months I can feel myself shedding habits. It is not scary because it feels right.

As you might have guessed my Husband and I seperated....... I dont feel like anyone needs a explanation. The easiest way I think is to say. That we loved eachother so much we tried to stay the same, but we changed , and now we love eachother so much , we are letting us be us.


WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA


I spotter this lil dude the other day, made me feel warm a gushy inside

and so on and so on

la la alexa

Picked this lil gal up last week at the Alexa Chung Party. Was going to return it...... but then I found myself a little down, so I threw it on and walked out the door. It so reminds me of one of my favorite movies. WHA

check em out

ha

on the inside

Part 2 begins

M83 'Midnight City'

sometimes you can heal yourself with one song

ok for real kids

vote for us you jerks!
HERE



There have been several changes going on in my life. I cant help but think of this one yuppy client I had in MI. I asked her what was new and she said she was doing some remodeling.... I replied with "oh cool, bathroom? kitchen?" and then she said. "NO..... MY SOUL"

kinda get that now.

30!!!!!!!

Its no secret that I Live to make Lists!!!!!!!!! For goals, groceries, thoughts etc. J Bear told me today that I am the most proactive person she knows........ Dont know what that says about her! wha ha. What a complement... Maybe the biggest.
Here is my latest list
30 things I was lucky to 30 before 30

1. I am a work in progress ...... every second of every day, I am changing and hopefully for that better or can make up for the worse someplace else
2. Always go with your gut
3. Love is a dog from hell
4. It is also a snugly Cat
5. The best songs are the ones that take your mind places
6. Your parents are people too and they make mistakes. Save it for therapy
7. The only thing you should fake is confidence
8. Relationships are the best teachers
9. Never regret caring for someone... even if they were a butthead
10. There is a huge power to putting things into the atmosphere. Or acknowledging what you want or desire
11. We are all fucked up
12. Enjoy yourself ...... have as much fun as you can as often as you can
13. In most cases the best thing you can do for people is to really listen and say thank you
14. mix tapes and books are some of the greatest gifts
15. If you dont feel the need to fight, it is not worth fighting for
16. Beauty is truly in the eye of the beholder
17. Emotions can turn the most together person into a whiny 3 year old
18. No one has it together
19. You are better looking then you think
20. never under estimate a big ass and a smile
21. Never be embarrassed by your music preferences
22. Being passionate about anything, is so cool . Cooler the cool
23. The best friends are the ones that tell you what you dont want to hear and drive you to the airport
24. Lots of money does not equal happiness, it usually just means you have more crap in your garage
25. If he does not walk you out to your car, its over
26. Never attach bad negative feelings to food. Eat that shit!
27. Sex is nothing like it is in the movies......... Actually nothing is really like it is in the movies
28. Your one lucky bitch
29. Never worry what people are thinking about you, they are probably thinking about themselves
30. and the best life lesson my Mom ever taught me was and I quote "some people are just assholes"

why do i want you!!!!!!!!!!!!

whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

WHA

bizarre Crush #4

Pervy French singer songwriter Serge Gainsbourg.
Hard to find a photo of him without Jane Birkin..... their romance really facinates moi

I want to live in this book

or maybe just own it




or maybe just have a print of one of these pictures

someone must of creeped in my brain!

hrm

sort of a weird topic but alot of my clients and friends I have not seen keep asking me about me losing weight. Or what I have been doing rather...... I find it kind of hard to answer without telling the whole story!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Which if you know me .... it is really just how I talk, anyways..... The whole story in a nut shell starts a little sad and ends with the ultimate diet secret of the century. Which is.... Love yourself.
For real though

I went on my first diet when I has 8. I started throwing out half of my school lunch, after a friends grandma commented on me plumping up (bitch). After that I started noticing things I didn't like about myself. My dad even mentioned to me that he noticed I was smaller and I took that as a positive reaction. Fast forward though being a chubby kid. Having my brother call me frumpy. Asking for a thigh master for my 12th birthday. Learning how to throw up my food. Years of therapy, which was bullshit , comparing myself to twiggy friends and all sorts of self abuse I wont even touch on. I look back and am shocked by myself.
I have relapsed since I was 21, pretty much since 19. I feel pretty removed from it. But not with the self hatred. My whole 20's . All my friends would here me talk about how fat I was, especially when I was drinking. I would have crazy breakdowns and could not even look in the mirror. I would have episodes and tell myself, that is. You are not eating for 2 days. I would run 30 miles a week and mark it on my calender. I would go to the gym 5 or 6 days and week and most times not leave till the calorie counter hit 1000.
I would weigh myself all the time at the gym. I would set goals for myself. Buy smaller clothes and hang them on my door so I would see them first thing when I woke up. I ate healthy high fiber, low fat, high protein foods. I would talk peoples ear off when I did eat "junk" DO NOT attach negative feelings towards food I lived and breathed diet and "self improvement" or self hatred.

It was not until the end of my fathers life and more recently when I started having bigger panic attacks, and crazy shakes that I really started to work on improving myself. From the inside. Not really improving, but loving myself. Going to therapy. Sleeping when I was tired. Not working out 6 days a week if I did not feel like it, and not feeling bad about it. Noticing the things I liked about myself... on the outside and inside. Noticing the things I loved about my life and letting myself know that I did deserve them. Taking pride in everything I eat and feeling good about it. Especially cheese croissants and hot fudge sundaes. Feeling good about the body I have, the fact that I can walk and run and jump and dance and hug. When my mind goes toward negative thoughts I stop them and remove myself from the situation which is usually the mirror and later send love to my body. Usually my thighs. Sounds cheesy I know. But I am fucking serious!!!!!!!!!!! The second I made a choice to be fine as I am and happy. The weight I spent years hating on fell off. A total shock to me... When I got weighed at the Doctors. All that time I spent hating on myself I was actually slowing my metabolism down and working against me. I guess I deserved it.

I found some links on it after my doctor telling me it is a actual thing
HERE
HERE

So there is my little piece on that. You should see the looks on peoples faces when they ask me "what have you been doing? are you stressed?" and I honestly respond " I am less stressed, I exercise less then I have in years, really I just learned to love myself and it fell off" They think I am bullshitting. Doesn't matter anyways, I was great 20 pounds before, and healthy. I found the man of the dreams with those 20-25 pounds. He never complained. Why did I?

and then I bought another black dress

rachel roy


at least it can be worn all year round!