hrm

sort of a weird topic but alot of my clients and friends I have not seen keep asking me about me losing weight. Or what I have been doing rather...... I find it kind of hard to answer without telling the whole story!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Which if you know me .... it is really just how I talk, anyways..... The whole story in a nut shell starts a little sad and ends with the ultimate diet secret of the century. Which is.... Love yourself.
For real though

I went on my first diet when I has 8. I started throwing out half of my school lunch, after a friends grandma commented on me plumping up (bitch). After that I started noticing things I didn't like about myself. My dad even mentioned to me that he noticed I was smaller and I took that as a positive reaction. Fast forward though being a chubby kid. Having my brother call me frumpy. Asking for a thigh master for my 12th birthday. Learning how to throw up my food. Years of therapy, which was bullshit , comparing myself to twiggy friends and all sorts of self abuse I wont even touch on. I look back and am shocked by myself.
I have relapsed since I was 21, pretty much since 19. I feel pretty removed from it. But not with the self hatred. My whole 20's . All my friends would here me talk about how fat I was, especially when I was drinking. I would have crazy breakdowns and could not even look in the mirror. I would have episodes and tell myself, that is. You are not eating for 2 days. I would run 30 miles a week and mark it on my calender. I would go to the gym 5 or 6 days and week and most times not leave till the calorie counter hit 1000.
I would weigh myself all the time at the gym. I would set goals for myself. Buy smaller clothes and hang them on my door so I would see them first thing when I woke up. I ate healthy high fiber, low fat, high protein foods. I would talk peoples ear off when I did eat "junk" DO NOT attach negative feelings towards food I lived and breathed diet and "self improvement" or self hatred.

It was not until the end of my fathers life and more recently when I started having bigger panic attacks, and crazy shakes that I really started to work on improving myself. From the inside. Not really improving, but loving myself. Going to therapy. Sleeping when I was tired. Not working out 6 days a week if I did not feel like it, and not feeling bad about it. Noticing the things I liked about myself... on the outside and inside. Noticing the things I loved about my life and letting myself know that I did deserve them. Taking pride in everything I eat and feeling good about it. Especially cheese croissants and hot fudge sundaes. Feeling good about the body I have, the fact that I can walk and run and jump and dance and hug. When my mind goes toward negative thoughts I stop them and remove myself from the situation which is usually the mirror and later send love to my body. Usually my thighs. Sounds cheesy I know. But I am fucking serious!!!!!!!!!!! The second I made a choice to be fine as I am and happy. The weight I spent years hating on fell off. A total shock to me... When I got weighed at the Doctors. All that time I spent hating on myself I was actually slowing my metabolism down and working against me. I guess I deserved it.

I found some links on it after my doctor telling me it is a actual thing
HERE
HERE

So there is my little piece on that. You should see the looks on peoples faces when they ask me "what have you been doing? are you stressed?" and I honestly respond " I am less stressed, I exercise less then I have in years, really I just learned to love myself and it fell off" They think I am bullshitting. Doesn't matter anyways, I was great 20 pounds before, and healthy. I found the man of the dreams with those 20-25 pounds. He never complained. Why did I?