Life

I am approaching the year mark of the day I left my Ex Husband. If you would have told me that morning, how much my life would change, I would not have believed you. I have chosen not to talk about it to much here. Maybe its seems like I have, but lemme tell you something like this could make a person talk for months straight. Almost a year later I still feel the shame of leaving. The pain the guilt, the terror, its awful. Creating a new life for yourself is scary and beautiful. Sometimes I list all the reasons why I left. Are they good enough? You ask yourself. Am I crazy? You can never really see a full picture of something till your on the other side. Was I wrong to take those vows? Am I a liar because I did not hold up to them. Do they not count because, there were things happening I was not aware of? If he really loved me, would he let me go so easy. Did he let me go because he loved me. It goes on and on. This all started with therapy and looking at the big picture. I have been doing that alot lately. My body is blessed and cursed with the power to be smarter then my brain, giving me physical cues to my unhappiness. These cues surface as :panic attacks, tremors, vertigo, dizzy spells, chest pains etc. I recently left my job because of these symptoms and shazaammm problem solved. Till the next time. Exiting a 13 year career , the same way I did a marriage. I can only explain the sensation to that of jumping off a cliff after being chased by a bear . You are scared of the jump but you are more scared of the bear. Then you look up at the cliff from the bottom still alive and your eyes can not clearly see. Is it a bear or a teddy bear. You move around and at times it looks like a teddy bear and other times you are sure it is a bear and what is up there is dangerous. Let me be clear I am not comparing my ex or ex boss to a bear. They are both incredible people. The bear is representing the force of change. Now I stand here with nothing but opportunities to dream and create and I am scared. There is this huge sense of I made it out of the woods (or off the cliff), and now I have to start my life and I'm so fucking tired!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! It is a crazy balance to work on something new that is bright and positive like a new relationship, career, home, anything.... and fight negativity . On one hand you can learn from your mistakes and take that into account in a positive way. No matter how you try there is always a little slice of cloud that follows you. A reminder of what worst cases could arise. Feelings of past loss no matter how right can lead to fear of future losses. That is for sure the catch 22 of finding happiness so soon. My goal in life at this time is to continue to be a light that reflects. To enjoy everything in its moment. To relax. To be passionate and find things to be passionate about. To love hard all the time. To have space to grow and fill it with wonderful things.To have faith in everyone and everything. Sooo ok.. starting now