Sunday, November 22, 2009

yesterday when i got home from work, i layed on the couch and starting watching some pbs channel . there was a special on spain and i got all excited about my trip. i called my mom on her home phone and she did not answer. she called me a few minns later from her cell and imformed me that my father has declined and they are not sure he will make it through the nite. she was calling me and my brother so we could say goodbye via cell phone. she sounded in good spirits and we had a nice chat. chalk it up to a state of shock or disbelief. who knows at this point. i mean we have been dealing with this for over 10 years. i say ok. let me talk to him. i will hang up when i'm done...... my mom then accidently hangs up on me. i call back. we have a good laugh. i say ok lets do this. my mom nom then informs me that my father can no longer hear out of one ear and she can not remember which one. so she will let me speak in each ear.
ear number one- dad i love you and i want you to know that
mom chimes in.... ok other ear. i tell her to just hold it up and i will hang up when i'm done.
jeez i hope its the good ear
ear number two- dad i love you and i want you to know that you were the best dad anyone could ever ask for. i'm very happy and safe. and i love you so so much

now i know it doesn't matter if he heard me. he knows i love him and all that shit.

i feel like there is a bubble around me and thought everyone seems sincere. i dont feel sincere.
i dont feel like anything is really happening. well i didn't until i just wiki'd alzheimer's
and re read all the stages. i remember doing all the research long ago and the breakdown.
i wish to to go back to the old days when things were just getting started. i know i gave him all the love. i know he knows. i know he is going someplace better. i know everything happens for a reason. i know he will always be with me. i know in my heart i would never take back anything i did. i know in my heart i did everything i could.
I JUST DONT WANT NOW TO BE NOW and i dont know how to deal with it.
its fucking hell

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