Have been absent. The Nan was in town. Funny how family and holidays can bring on so much emotion.
There is a constant present of male disappointment in my life. Maybe I am so much of a romantic to think love is strong enough to hold things together. To wish the best. To be there is sickness and in health. What if both are sick. What if only one carries the weight. People do get scared, and can only do their best. I still believe in love. I cant believe I could have failed at something. Maybe I did. Maybe that is what they were always talking about all along. Things can never be what they seem. A conversation with someone whose love I always tried to live up too confessed that it was something that they had tried to escape many times. The things they were trying to save were the things that were left broken because of it.
These growing pains hurt so bad. They say the three hardest things in life are : Death, Divorce, and Moving. I have to tell you Divorce is the worst. Because it combines them all, the death of something and the moving forward. It scrapes the whole way. Being the trigger puller throws you at the mercy of others constant judgement. You face the pain of feeling it die long before you say anything. The nerves, the guilt, the shame, the fear. The begging, the denial . I get that. Every moment is easier then the last, but not so much easy. You can only count on change. It happens with or without you