Monday, July 16, 2012
As of lately I have been trying to figure out many things. #1 on the list is myself. When you go through so many changes in one year (most of them caused by a crazy force of nature aka inner psyche ) it is hard to grasp where or who you are. The person you were, the person that got you where you are, the person you want to be (if you know who or what the is), or the person you are now. Who is in a absolute state of transition. About a year ago I reached my first wedding anniversary and not to shortly after started facing some seriously scary feelings. I was very unhappy. My body was out of control and I found myself grasping at strings trying to hold myself together and crying out to my spouse. They might feel differently about this. I dunno its my fucking blog. I like to say I was holding my shit together. Literally I could not go number 2 no matter what I ate. The irony is the day I left it started flowing. Today I am still moving and changing. My ex and I are on pretty good terms for being newly divorced. A lot of ghosts came out of a lot of closets and there is still a lot of love and acceptance between us. I still find myself suffering the loss. Sadly it could be the loss of a union that may of never been there. The kind of union people speak of when they take vows. Coming off that I surprised many people including myself with inner strength and the nerve to walk away from my 8 year bond and the only family I had 3 thousand miles away from where I started. I do not feel regret but I feel loss or lost. I feel like I cant fully grasp what love is anymore. Is is about caring? companionship? honesty? I feel like I was bred to think that love was about self sacrifice and now I think that might be complete bullshit. I feel lost when I think about religion (not god) but religion. I found myself staring at a picture depicting Noah's Arc and I thought to myself that could of never fucking happened but what a cute story. Despite where I am with my love life these days. I for the first time in my life have been asked or it has been suggested to me by my significant other to figure out what my passion is or really what will make me happy in my life. This could be the most terrifying thing ever. Could a career be like love? Could it be more then something I can just do, something more then what feels like self sacrifice. Its strange. What gives me the right or luck or curse to be in a situation to tap into what my dreams are. If that even means anything. I have been looking into non credit classes to try and tap into myself. A language class, a writing class. I keep thinking about social work. For so long I have always boxed myself in finding the reasons why not. I can not let myself do that anymore. If I can rebuild my entire life and take on all the shit that comes with that. Why cant I take a math class or see myself as something bigger and smarter. These past few days have been intense. I bailed out of a trip and have spent more time alone then I ever have since my solo Euro vacation. When you sit still a lot of things can boil up. Re learning how to be alone and what I like and what I do when I have no one else to think about can be very difficult for me. I wonder... where is everyone? it is not as if I do not have anything to do. I have plenty of things that need to be done. Its like I do not know how to relax. There is go and sleep. Maybe that is just the right pace for starting a new path. Go and Sleep. I guess we shall see.