Tuesday, June 7, 2011

blind spot

The way I am wired I always get insane anxiety before a trip back home. No matter how excited I am. Not the regular kind with nerves, panic etc. A different sort of manic state. Could be from: deeply rooted childhood trauma (kidding), Dad issues, guilt, the unresolved feeling of being trapped and you might end up there again doing the same shit you did before, you wont get to see people, you forgot how to drive, you will somehow gain 20 pounds there, you will somehow go into epic financial debt for some unknown reason and not have money for groceries ,you apartment will catch on fire losing all your pictures (even though they are backed up online) etc etc and the list goes on................ and on

Here are the stages
-balance check book and check credit cards obsessively
-followed by making a completely irresponsible purchase for myself or someone else
-a trip to Sephora for some beauty product I never knew I needed and will probably never use and/or obsessing about how I need to have it before I go even though I have lived my whole fucking life without it
-check body for weird hairs, face for large pores, and head for grays
-clean out fridge, medicine cabinet, closet
-decide to read a magazine that has been neglected for a month at 1am
-smoke a cigarette in pajamas on the street
- ask self "what the fuck is your problem? you are happy and excited, and shit is awesome and will be fine, you ungrateful/insane fart bag! you have no real problems"
-immediately go to computer and add several more Holocaust documentaries and movies covering that topic to queue

a lot can be revealed about people through Netflix, wonder why it is not being used in modern medicine....
All of this brings me to this one point..... and that is

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