So I started my sessions on Monday. Of course I farted around and had to charge a cab to get there on time. I was full of nervous energy like something was gonna pop out of me. It is the strangest thing. To never be depressed, to try so hard to take care and then to have your body freak out and not know why. To know its just your mind, but yet you cant stop what is happening. Worrying if people can tell. Almost left my card in the cab. He was the most un friendly pun jab I have ever encountered and those are my people. Once in the room I just started crying. No idea why. I think just the thought of having a place where addressing all these things and paying someone to figure it out, was refreshing. She said start at the beginning. I laughed. Like when I was born?
We covered some things. Of course she obviously asked if I thought my Dad's illness had something to do with this. I thought hard. I'm sure is a piece of a much larger puzzle. She mentioned my low blood sugar and how not getting enough protein might trigger my brain to freak out due to a lack of glucose. I was kinda irritated about the protein to the vegetarian comment. She mentioned tofu and I just let it go. Not the time for me to break down myths and processed foods. We left on a good note. Made another appointment and I walked the 17 blocks up hill home. Stopping at a favorite bakery for a semi hard croissant. Felt a little lighter already. A friend said to me,"something about paying someone to watch you cry, feels so good".
Just focused on taking time. So weird how you change as you get older. I get some much comfort in being at home, when before I had to always be out. I would much rather, take the time to intricately scratch a bingo ticket with another equally obsessed friend then be at a cool bar.
Another moment of complete detachment happened today at work, numb arms, shaky hands. I ran out between clients to grab a hard boiled egg from the salad bar and ate it in 5 seconds. Have never been a fan. This is just what it is, till it gets better. You got to get back on the horse. I do worry sometimes if my clients think I am on drugs or if people can tell. Then I remember that everyone seems normal till you get to know them.
Dance Dance by Sarah Moon