Sunday, October 2, 2011

from my travel journal.....

I land in Iceland in 27 min. My first solo Euro vacation. I can remember many times I dreamed about this. As a child, teen, adult. Traveling alone...... For as long as I can remember I was always afraid to do anything alone. Going to concerts, movies, eating out. In fact I have only attended one concert alone. It was after a break up and I saw the band Clinic. Maybe I just always had to talk to someone to quiet what was in my own head. I am hopeful. I have no delusions that this will be something like in the movies. It is nothing new really people have been doing it for millions of years.I start to wonder weird things. Like with the weight loss and growth. Was I always this person? Was i actually holding myself back. I thought I was ugly and fat (so shallow, who cares? ugly does not exist) This is all far from the truth. I am perfect as anything, the way God intended, and I LIKE ME. It shows. Was I constantly holding myself back? Hiding behind someones illness or depression. Focused on needing to be loved to validate my negative feelings to myself? I had all the love inside me the whole time. Better late then never to figure these things out. If that even is what it is. We really just got started. I sat in the very last row of the plane. Which I have read is the safest. There was a empty seat in the middle. The other passenger moved up. Leaving me the whole row. With 3 pillows and blankets. The blankets are soooo soft. I slept peacefully the whole flight. I imagine people waiting to use the toilet looked down at me with resentment. Who knows? My ass was sleeping. Kinda want to steal this blanket. Who would have thought the germaphobe in me would ever even think of making skin contact with one of these things much less take one.
Sometimes I feel a sting of pain. That must come with the change. Letting a part of "me" fade away. Was it really me anyways?I can not think I was put on this earth to hate myself or to prove to myself I deserve love and happiness. It cant be everyone but me right? Kidding. Landing now. excited to buy candy. As much as I don't really enjoy eating it. I love the packaging and names.

On a tube in London. Much cheaper the a taxi

pen dies

1 comment:

  1. Youthful looked exactly what I pictured it being like! So much fun, strangers, late nights, hangovers, parties... Europe was lucky to have you. ;) so proud of you mija!!