ok

trying to download guns and roses and the web connection here sucks. some days are like this i guess.
last night the cookie finally crumbled. i cried, i cried the real cry. the kind of scary cry that hurts so bad your friends start crying too. it is out now. had to be extracted with lots of dancing and red and white wine.

you know that the sign of a real real friend, is the one that cries for you while your crying.

that asshole texted me last night apologizing again and even had the nerve to bring up that fact that his parents are dead and his wife and him have had lots of problems. how the fuck he got my number i have no idea. what is with people or dudes in general. sorry i hurt you but it hurts me more to have hurt you so you should feel bad for meeeee me me me. selfish pieces of shit.
i turn in the keys today. wonder what that will feel like...... just got to take them as the come.
thought it would be nice if i could blare night train. seems to be my theme song. everything is as it should be right now i guess


met some guys from dc last night. people must think i am just nuts. i mean i am a little. "that person is nuts" was like the highest compliment my dad could pay someone. anyways!!!!!!!!! i tried to check in to vermilion for a second and they were closing. i see a van with dc plates and started shouting dis chord bands at then. (what a ass!) anyways i might go see them tonight.


I remember a awesome mixed tape a guy gave my friend based on the 7 stages of grief.
Which by the way are...


1. SHOCK & DENIAL-
You will probably react to learning of the loss with numbed disbelief. You may deny the reality of the loss at some level, in order to avoid the pain. Shock provides emotional protection from being overwhelmed all at once. This may last for weeks.

2. PAIN & GUILT-
As the shock wears off, it is replaced with the suffering of unbelievable pain. Although excruciating and almost unbearable, it is important that you experience the pain fully, and not hide it, avoid it or escape from it with alcohol or drugs.

You may have guilty feelings or remorse over things you did or didn't do with your loved one. Life feels chaotic and scary during this phase.

3. ANGER & BARGAINING-
Frustration gives way to anger, and you may lash out and lay unwarranted blame for the death on someone else. Please try to control this, as permanent damage to your relationships may result. This is a time for the release of bottled up emotion.

You may rail against fate, questioning "Why me?" You may also try to bargain in vain with the powers that be for a way out of your despair ("I will never drink again if you just bring him back")

4. "DEPRESSION", REFLECTION, LONELINESS-
Just when your friends may think you should be getting on with your life, a long period of sad reflection will likely overtake you. This is a normal stage of grief, so do not be "talked out of it" by well-meaning outsiders. Encouragement from others is not helpful to you during this stage of grieving.

During this time, you finally realize the true magnitude of your loss, and it depresses you. You may isolate yourself on purpose, reflect on things you did with your lost one, and focus on memories of the past. You may sense feelings of emptiness or despair.

7 Stages of Grief...

5. THE UPWARD TURN-
As you start to adjust to life without your dear one, your life becomes a little calmer and more organized. Your physical symptoms lessen, and your "depression" begins to lift slightly.

6. RECONSTRUCTION & WORKING THROUGH-
As you become more functional, your mind starts working again, and you will find yourself seeking realistic solutions to problems posed by life without your loved one. You will start to work on practical and financial problems and reconstructing yourself and your life without him or her.

7. ACCEPTANCE & HOPE-
During this, the last of the seven stages in this grief model, you learn to accept and deal with the reality of your situation. Acceptance does not necessarily mean instant happiness. Given the pain and turmoil you have experienced, you can never return to the carefree, untroubled YOU that existed before this tragedy. But you will find a way forward.

That said here are the top 5 best break up songs sez me
in no particular order

















and then later